The most precious thing she has

This was the first night they met alone in a place... and she was sitting relaxed as if she was sleeping... and her lips were whispering... in a dream... and her voice was trembling... - Let me tell you the things that I never heard... I will say it to anyone, and I will be honest with you with the truth that I have never faced any creature, not even myself. I am a completely cowardly person. I have lived for thirty years imitating people and imitating them. When I was in the girls’ school, I used to live on the fantasies and dreams of my classmates. We would meet at night in the bedroom. Each one of them told of her gambles, and described the boy she loved, and I sat and listened to them and fell in love with all these boys and fed on these fantasies and borrowed these dreams to fill my loneliness and my bed with them. I did not have an adventure to tell like the rest of the girls. The headmistress used to say that I was a pure and upright girl. .. But I knew that I was not as pure as the headmistress imagines .. but I was polluted .. my mind was tainted .. my dreams were tainted .. and my body was tainted with desires .. which I dare not fulfill .. and when I was standing in front of the woman and heard my mother’s voice telling me .. you Like a boy...you only need a jacket and trousers to be a boy...I would take my eyes off the woman and quickly put on my clothes...and run to school...and all the way I was jogging and running and hastening my steps as if there was a policeman running behind me...I had the impression that people were looking at me. My back and my shoulders were broad, and my hair was short like a boy’s hair. I used to run, escaping their gazes. My fast, dry walk gave me another aspect of seriousness and uprightness. I used to hear my neighbors saying, “This polite girl. Look at how she walks like a man.” No one dares to oppose her...and the truth is that I was dying longing to oppose her. When the school principal thought about creating teams for school activities, no girl came to mind to be the head of the physical sports team except Fatima, by name, and so I became the head of the physical sports team, even though I was melting away with longing to be in the dancing, singing, or music team. But... how dare I announce this desire... and I am Fatima... the polite... serious girl... who walks as a man walks... and that is how I became a swimming champion... I travel and win championships... and win bronze and silver cups. But deep down, deep down, there was another truth. I was a woman, a female. I was melting longing for a flirtatious touch and yearning for a look of desire. I was hoping to feel a man’s greed for my femininity, but I was running after something. Impossible.. I was surrounded by respect wherever I went, and appreciation, reverence, and admiration for my heroism looked at me in every eye.. And there was something in my appearance that killed men’s desire, silenced their tongues, and forced them to stand before me in awe and reserve.. And my presence in a place spread an aura of physicality around me, making men stop speaking. The vulgar person corrects his appearance and sits politely. The host politely introduces me to his guests. Madam Fatima, the sports supervisor at the club, the head of the swimming team, the champion who won such-and-such, and the inspector in the physical education department in the ministry. The truth is that I did not... I did not feel any happiness or pride at this presentation.. Rather, I felt angry.. I felt my breath tightening due to the silence that descended upon the group.. and that I was suffocating in this aura of respect that surrounded me.. I felt that I was a prisoner in this aura.. and that I was in Inside me was another woman... for whom life had never been destined... and sometimes I would stand in front of the woman... and walk like Marilyn Monroe... and shake my buttocks... and sometimes I would contemplate myself while I was washing in the bathroom and feel my chest while I was almost crying. Why don't people treat me as a woman? And when my husband proposed to me and said to me on the day of the engagement, “I chose you because you are polite, serious, respectful, and majestic,” I felt that he slapped me. Why didn’t he say, “He chose me because I am beautiful, attractive, and sexy.” And my only remaining hope collapsed: that I would find a home where I could breathe. In it.. a house other than my father’s house and a club.. and a community of friends in which I die and my truth has been dying for thirty years.. and I entered my husband’s house to live as I live in the club.. serious, polite.. respectful.. and in bed.. when I was alone with my husband in In the evening, after all the people had gone... and the day ended with its hustle and bustle... my husband would take me in his arms with respect... and kiss me with dignity... and I felt that I had to play the role of supervisor... and inspector... and teacher... even in bed... and she was My breathing was short and my chest was tight... Our relationship remained cold, regular and tasteless... And I kept feeling deep down that I was still a virgin... I had not entered the world... My failed marriage had ended in divorce... No man had entered my life... And I did not feel the manhood of a man. Until I met you...and you stood talking to me and peeking at my chest...with desire. That day, I felt ashamed and covered my shoulders with a shawl. This was the first time in my life that I covered my body from a man’s gaze. I had become accustomed to my naked body not arousing anything in the eyes of men. And in the evening when you were driving me home and telling me: “My chest is not A swimming chest, but it is a woman's chest. And my explosive body is a female body. And I excite you. I was trembling under the impact of these words, I was trembling with joy. This is me. This is my truth that finds its echo in the eyes of a man. Finally.. I found you. And I loved you.. and worshiped you.. and I felt that you were my man.. The most precious thing a woman possesses is never her body. The most precious thing a woman possesses is her self, her truth, and her spirit.. My soul remained a virgin and no one entered it.. until you entered it.. and you entered my world. I was walking wearing a veil. I had never lifted the veil for thirty years, even in front of myself. I used to cover myself, hide my face, hide my desires, lie, and act until you tore up this lie with one look from your impudent eyes. And my truth has awakened from its resting place.. And this is me speaking as I have never spoken on any day of my life.. Who would have thought that I would utter these words.. and in front of a man.. It is a funny truth.. but I feel.. I feel like today and today only.. I lost what was dearest to me... Just today I brought a man into my world... How I wish that husbands knew... that entering a woman’s body on a wedding night... is nothing... not a thing at all... and that what is important is that they enter her soul... first. .. From a book on love and life by Mustafa Mahmoud